Teen Dating

Many in our church will want a clear set of rules about what is allowable and what is not. But we have to be careful about that kind of thing, because it is easy to create a kind of legalism around this topic, and we have to resist that. At the same time, parents need practical instruction.

We had a speaker this past fall for the high school retreat at Trinity Classical School who came from a church community with a very clear culture around dating, and he came with lots of practical insights to share with our youth. I was grateful for his clarity and boldness, and I was glad the youth could benefit from his teaching. It also became clear to me that we need our own culture of teen dating. I know many parents are working through these questions right now, and if we don’t shape our own culture, each member will search out models somewhere else (for better or worse). And, in some ways, communities need a shared culture around this kind of thing because in every case, two families are involved.

Many in our church will want a clear set of rules about what is allowable and what is not. But we have to be careful about that kind of thing, because it is easy to create a kind of legalism around this topic, and we have to resist that. At the same time, parents need practical instruction.

What we need instead of legalism is biblical principles. So that is what I am going to give here. I’m going to sprinkle in some practical examples of how our family has applied some of these principles. My hope is that it gives some practical tools for you.

If you are a parent entering into the teen years, my strongest advice is to find older believers, who have children who honored the Lord through dating and into marriage, and ask them, “What did you do?” Emulate them. 

One Note to Start

Some might wonder, what is the difference between dating and courtship? There are different definitions of these. We have not used the language of courtship as much, though its key elements you will find below (mainly the father’s involvement for daughters and the goal of marriage in dating). There is a lot of overlap in the different terms. In our family, the word “dating” means that you go on dates alone (that seems like a reasonable definition), and it doesn’t happen before you are seventeen. Dating also includes some physical contact like holding hands and putting your arms around each other. Being “exclusive” (meaning you have told each other that you like one another), we call having a “thing.” In a “thing,” you can spend time together only with each others’ families, and this doesn’t happen before sixteen. 

We also strongly emphasize that just because you turned sixteen or seventeen doesn’t mean you should start having “things” or dating. Also, if the students are at Trinity Classical School, dating is not allowed among the student body, so obedience to school rules is, of course, expected.

Our oldest daughter just got married this past summer, and while we learned a lot from her dating/courtship with her now-husband, their situation won’t perfectly match our other children’s (nor necessarily yours). My hope is that parents and their teens would read this article together and then discuss a plan for dating and courtship that reflects these principles. I’m often surprised by the constraints my children put on themselves when they are asked to apply biblical principles. What’s most important is that parent and teen are talking—openly, honestly, humbly.

1. Pray for your child’s future spouse.

“House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Prov. 19:14).

The Bible is clear that a godly spouse is a gift from God, more valuable than any earthly treasure. So our children having godly marriages and godly families will not be ultimately the result of our careful rules around dating but a gift of grace. Let parents begin at a young age to ask the Lord to shape a spouse for each one of our children. On each of the prayer cards for my children, it says, “A godly spouse.”

2. Marriage is the goal.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

It should be obvious that the Bible’s vision for a romantic relationship between a man and a woman is only known within the covenant of marriage. Hence, all romantic relationships should only exist if they intend to move in this direction. This is contrary to the habits of our culture, where dating is a recreational activity, and most people have many sexual partners over the course of their young life. Even many Christian teens date for “fun”—we should regard this as unwise. If you do not think you would marry someone, you should not be dating them.

Many young people have expressed a concern about this principle, though, as it introduces an intensity into a relationship very early on. Especially as Christians move into their twenties, it is fair that two people might want to have coffee a few times before they start down a path toward marriage! “Can’t I just get to know her a little before I ask her father for permission to move toward marriage?” In that sense, dating various people may be entirely appropriate for finding a spouse. And that is work that young people should be doing—pursuing a spouse. But that is a different kind of dating than recreational dating. The starting point is: the goal is Christian marriage.

3. Christians must marry Christians, so you should not date a non-Christian.

“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39).

Though this verse is about widows, Paul makes it clear that Christians should only marry in the Lord. The warnings against marrying non-Christians are plentiful in the Bible, and sadly, they are often ignored. The sons of God who intermarry with the daughters of men (Gen. 6:2) are not demons and humans sleeping together—these are believing men (of the line of Seth; see Luke 3:38) and unbelieving women of the world who intermarry. This is the context for great evil in the world. Solomon similarly apostatizes because of his unbelieving wives. “For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father” (1 Kings 11:4). Nehemiah too rages against the intermarriage in Jerusalem after exile (Neh. 13:23ff). The warnings about Jews not intermarrying with the neighboring nations is not a racial issue (e.g., Boaz marries Ruth—a Moabite) but a religious one. Not being equally yoked (2 Cor. 6:14) is a reference to the Israelites intermarrying with the Moabites in Numbers (see Num. 25:3 for the language of “yoked”). 

This is a truth that young people need to internalize way before they fall in love with someone. Once the hormones are pumping, it becomes very easy to rationalize all kinds of things that are unwise.

4. Godliness is the most attractive thing in a person.

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

By far the greatest source of happiness in a marriage is character. The world is constantly telling us what is attractive and what we should want in a spouse. Physical beauty is celebrated in the Bible—but it is considered far less important than godliness. 

If you want your children to have godly marriages, the most important thing you can offer them is an example of one.

What this means for young people is that their own maturity is the most important thing for finding a spouse. Are you in worship every Sunday? Do you know what you believe and why you believe it? Do you read the Bible on your own and pray? Are you committed to obeying God’s Word in your life? Doug Wilson has put it this way, “Be the kind of person, the kind of person you want to marry, wants to marry.” If you can untie that word knot, this is wise.

5. The parents should be involved.

The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him: 

What are you doing, my son? 

What are you doing, son of my womb?

      What are you doing, son of my vows?

Do not give your strength to women, 

      Your ways to those who destroy kings. (Prov. 31:1-3)

Much teen dating, even in Christian circles, happens with little input from the parents. That could be for a lot of reasons. It could be teens avoiding advice they don’t want to hear. But it could also be that parents (often fathers) don’t know how to talk about these things, so they avoid the conversation. (Hopefully, this article helps you have the conversation!) This principle can also be challenging for parents because it raises the question, “Does your marriage say to your children that you are someone they want to turn to for marriage advice?” If the answer is “no”—then maybe the best example you can give to your children is to start giving attention to your own marriage. Maybe it is time to ask a pastor or counselor for help? 

If you want your children to have godly marriages, the most important thing you can offer them is an example of one. If they can say, “What you have is what I want for myself,” then you will have a strong voice into their dating decisions.

From a young age, we catechized our kids about marriage. I would ask my daughter Lucy these questions:

Dad: What is the most important thing about the person you marry? 

Daughter: He loves Jesus.

Dad: How will you know he loves Jesus?

Daughter: He goes to church and reads the Bible and prays.

Dad: How does he treat you?

Daughter: He is kind to me. (Etc.)

But these conversations are not just about the limits on dating but also about skills on how to meet someone. We did mock first dates with our kids at the dinner table. When I told my son Henry he should ask questions on a date that begin with the words “How” or “What” (this avoids one-word answers and gets her to tell a story about herself), the only question he could think of was, “How much do you weigh?” Fortunately, that came out in a mock date instead of a real one!

With my daughter Lucy, when she was dating her now-husband Chase, I would go get coffee with Chase. This gave us a tremendous opportunity to get to know one another on a deep level. We talked about everything from theology and church life to his physical relationship with Lucy and his plans for the future. We were very open with each other and this gave a deep sense of trust with each other. It not only gave me confidence in their relationship but also an opportunity to express some of the things that were important to me about Lucy’s future marriage and family. We also read some chapters from A Praying Life and discussed them.

If a man is not sure how to have conversations like this, I’d recommend first putting them on the calendar and just showing up, praying for the Spirit to be your guide. Topics to cover: 

• What does it mean to be a member of a church? 

• What are your plans for the future and work? 

• Let me share with you some challenges I am facing in my life right now (let the relationship be two-way). 

• What do you think it looks like for you and my daughter to honor the Lord during your dating relationship? 

• What have been some major events/experiences in your life history and family? Let me share with you some of mine.

One last point on this: the input of other adults is valuable too. A young person should weigh very heavily what godly people, whom they trust, say about their girlfriends or boyfriends. “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed” (Prov. 15:22). If you are a young person looking for a spouse, who are the people from whom you are inviting counsel?

6. Sexual immorality is a serious sin, and lust is a serious temptation.

“But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death” (Rev. 21:8).

You might think this is kind of an intense verse to put in an article like this. But there are many others like it. Sexual immorality is a big deal in the Bible and should not be treated lightly. Fornication (sexual activity outside of marriage) is enough to exclude someone from the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9). Jesus himself connects sexual immorality and the threat of hell:

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. (Matt. 5:28-29)

This does not mean that the sexually immoral cannot find redemption in Christ (many prostitutes came to him and entered the kingdom). But it does emphasize the gravity of this issue. 

This means that a Christian view of dating or courtship will have strict rules around the physical relationship. Now I know that recently, many Christians have been critical of the purity movement of the evangelical church in the nineties. From my understanding, the main problem with purity culture was that it suggested that sex itself was dirty, and so it made it very difficult (especially for girls) to switch gears from feeling shame around the whole notion of sex to being a sexually engaged wife. The solution to this problem is simply to talk about sex as often as it comes up as a family. If you are reading the Bible as a family, it will come up all the time. Don’t waste those opportunities. And parents can repeatedly reiterate, “Sex is a gift from God and a great blessing, but it must strictly be kept in the covenant of marriage. Otherwise, it becomes a curse.”

But, at the same time, correcting this problem with purity culture does not mean that many of the constraints it placed around premarital intimacy should be loosened. 

One application of this for our family is that making out is not a recreational activity. Making out is how you get your body ready to have sex. So, if you are not planning on having sex, this is not wise. (If a young man makes out with his girlfriend and his testicles hurt after, this is a sign that his body was expecting to go further than it actually did.) Most making out happens late at night or in a car parked somewhere. So, likely, many of these kinds of situations are going to be off-limits.

There is no way to engineer this process so that it goes perfectly to plan. But again, I would encourage parents to find older believers who have wisdom in this area. Ask their advice and heed it. And there is grace along the way. Grace for teens and young adults and grace for parents.

This doesn’t mean sex is dirty or bad or something to never speak about. One of the best things for an adolescent is to have a clear sense that “My parents have an active sex life.” If you have told them about sex being a gift from God, and they see mom and dad hugging and kissing and flirting—they will know, “Sex is a blessing of marriage. I want that in my future.” It will help them want to follow God’s commands, and this is by far the best guard against the problems of purity culture.

7. Give enough time (especially for the weird to come out)

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song 8:4)

This verse seems important in that it tells us we have some control over falling in love. Once it is stirred up or awakened, it will be very difficult to put the genie back in the bottle. But beforehand, we can be wise to say, “I not going to stir up love before the right timing.” For adolescents, that means there is going to be at least a five-year period (and likely longer) when they will not be able to stir up the desires that are beginning to form in them. This is very consistent with the Christian life, which is often about waiting. Trust God, and wait. Adam and Eve would eventually have been mature enough to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (Heb. 5:14), but instead of waiting, they took it for themselves and the results were disastrous. 

Because of the constraints on sexual intimacy before marriage, Christians can sometimes rush into marriage too quickly. It might be they are too young (a man not yet ready to lead a family). Or it could be they just can’t wait to have sex, so they rush a wedding date.

It is true that the Bible says that dating, courtship, and engagement should not go on and on: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Cor. 7:8-9).

But also, teens should only start dating when marriage is realistically in the not-too-distant future. If an adolescent is fourteen, a young marriage is five years away. There is no point in dating at that age. It is not time to stir up love, so don’t do it. It is not ideal for dating and engagement to last more than a few years.

But one thing we have thought too is that dating or courtship should be long enough for the “weird to come out.” When people start dating relationships, they are on their best behavior. There needs to be a level of comfortability that allows explosive anger or deception to come out. You should know the sins of your spouse before entering marriage. (My wife knew my tendency toward depression before we were married.) If the wedding day is three months after the day they met, this is likely too soon.

And when the weird reveals itself, don’t ignore it or explain it away. This all takes time, waiting, and the input and wisdom of others.

 If you are interested in more teaching on this topic, I have an old sermon on Ruth 3, titled “Falling in Love,” that hits on some similar themes.

All this to say, the Lord is our Shepherd. There is no way to engineer this process so that it goes perfectly to plan. But again, I would encourage parents to find older believers who have wisdom in this area. Ask their advice and heed it. And there is grace along the way. Grace for teens and young adults and grace for parents. But through the process, parents and teens can relate in newer and more mature ways, and through these discussions, both find themselves drawn closer to Christ.