Submission and Headship in the Home (Part 2 -Husbands)

In the Apostle Paul’s mind, the symbol of husbandhood is the cross.

I was asked about our church’s views on submission and how that plays out in the home. I previously addressed wives in Part One; I’ll now address husbands. 

The Apostle Paul’s instructions to husbands in Ephesians 5 are truly remarkable in their depth and mystery:

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:25-33)

For any husband struggling in marriage, here is a concrete first step in working towards health: memorize that paragraph. You might think, “I am not that good at memorizing.” I assure you, no one is. If it is slow going, all the more deeply will God lead you into these powerful words. Do not assume, “Oh yeah, I’ve read that, I know what it says.” I have no idea how many times I’ve read these words—I continue to find new wisdom in them.

Here are a few insights. 

1. A husband imitates Christ by taking
responsibility for his family.

In the Apostle Paul’s mind, the symbol of husbandhood is the cross. “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” What Jesus was doing on the cross was taking responsibility for the mess of his people. Instead of sitting in heaven judging the mess, he entered it, bore the burden of it, and led his family into new life.

Being the head of household means that a husband enters into the mess of family life. This is an important command because it is often the opposite of what men want to do. I recently read an academic study of family life during the time of the Reformation, and it said that being a head of household is carrying the “worry of the family’s well-being.” I love that word “well-being.” What a gift to a woman and her children to have a man in their lives whose chief concern is their well-being—physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially.

Often men are more comfortable in areas where they feel competent. But family life is a hard arena in which to be “competent.” Is a child disobedient or depressed? Is a wife distant or unhappy? Is there a conflict with another family at church? Are there decisions to be made regarding how to educate the children? Is the marriage struggling? These situations are complex, they can involve anxiety, and they don’t have quick answers. Who in the home is making sure the family is healthy, following the scriptures, connecting in love, and so on? A husband may not have the answers to all of these things, but he is the one saying, “This needs attention. We need to do something. We need to ask for help if we are not sure what to do.” Male headship doesn’t mean you need to have the answer to everything, but it does mean you are responsible. Larry Crabb states this powerfully:

A man can be understood by knowing the questions that burn hotly within him. For many men, one question stands out among others as the one that matters most: "What should I do?’ When men feel their deepest agony, that is the question they ask. 

When a man finds himself in a place where that question cannot be answered, he moves to a place where it can. When he looks around and realizes he has wandered into a confusing situation where courage and creativity are required, he finds a way to return to the sphere of management, to some activity or responsibility where his skill and know-how are useful, where his inadequacy and fear will not be exposed, where the courage to live in an unpredictable world is not required; in short, he retreats to where he can find an answer to his burning question. 

When a man flees the terror of mystery for the comforts of management, he compromises himself. A man ruled by the demand that he always know what to do cannot experience the deep joys of manhood. He has violated his calling and betrayed his nature. 

God calls a man to speak into darkness, to remember who God is and what he has revealed about life, and — with that memory uppermost in his mind—to move into his relationships and responsibilities with the imaginative strength of Christ. (The Silence of Adam, p. 101)

When a husband enters into all the difficult matters of family life saying, “I am responsible for this,” he is loving his wife as Christ loved the church. 

Our church believes that women thrive when they have men like this in their lives. Men provide safe contexts for women and children to blossom, enjoy God, and use their gifts. This leadership is how men serve their families. Headship does not mean bossing people around, being waited on, or criticizing others’ shortcomings. It means serving by taking responsibility and leading, even when you’re not sure how.

Headship is responsibility. And as my next point shows, the responsibility is extensive. 

2. The words of a husband make his wife
beautiful in his eyes.

According to Ephesians 5, a man is responsible for his wife’s beauty. That might sound strange, but it is clearly what Paul is saying. Just as Jesus every Sunday speaks over his bride (the church), assuring her of his love, and she, week by week, becomes more lovely and beautiful, so a husband is speaking words to his wife day in and day out. Those words are impacting her in a mysterious way.

This is the opposite of how the world thinks. The world says, “If you are lovely, then I will love you.” The gospel inverts this and teaches a man to think, “I will love you first, then more and more you will become lovely.” A loved woman is radiant. This is why women who have been loved by Jesus are so lovely.

If a husband wants to be enraptured with his wife’s beauty 20 years from now, he must know that the main factor in that happening is the words he speaks to her. What words are these?

First, these words likely refer to God’s word. Jesus cleanses his church “by the washing of water with the word.” This is the word of truth. For a husband to find that his wife is beautiful in his eyes, the best thing he can do is ensure that the Bible is read, discussed, and obeyed in his household—starting with himself. There may be challenges and confrontation. Often a man’s conflicts with his wife end up being about his own comforts. (“I want more time for my hobbies!”) Men should be having conflicts with their wives— wives need these conflicts—but they should be about the family being obedient to God’s word.

“He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

But second, I think these are also all the words he speaks to her on a daily basis. When he tells her, “I’m so grateful for you,” “Thank you for how much you do for our family,” “You are so beautiful,” “I love you;” this is not just information. These words are powerful. He is being like Christ in this. When Jesus speaks, the earth is formed, and the broken are healed. A husband must embrace how important and how powerful the day-to-day words he speaks to his wife really are. 

These words of affirmation are similar to the gospel. The gospel is God’s way of saying to his people, “I will never leave you.” Through his words, a husband communicates these same things. They are ways of saying his marriage vows over and over again through the course of daily family life—“For better or worse, I am with you. I am not leaving.”

On the other hand, when he speaks words that are lies, words that are accusatory or condemnatory, cruel or harsh, they need to be unsaid. “I said this … that is not true. Please forgive me. This is what the truth is ….” Paul says that harshness is a particular temptation for husbands (“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them,” Col. 3:19).

This leads to a third area of what it means to be the head of a household and oversee the well-being of a woman and her children.

3. The head of household defends the
vulnerable.

The headship of fathers is meant to be the primary way God protects women and children from abuse. Sadly, it is all too common that the husband is actually the one from whom they need protection. 

There are two generalizations that the New Testament makes about the differences between men and women. The passages are related to each other and to the vulnerability of women.

The first is found in 1 Timothy 2:12-14: 

I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor [emphasis added].

It appears that Paul is saying men should be pastors and elders because women are more easily deceived than men. I know many people have been appalled by these verses. Maybe you are appalled reading them now! But Paul is not saying that women are not as smart as men. (Some of the most deceived people in the world have PhDs. And some of the smartest people I know are women.) Possibly a more positive way to take what Paul is saying is that women are naturally more trusting than men—and that is not a bad thing in and of itself. “Love … believes all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). But a trusting nature needs protection, and women need godly men in their lives to ensure they are not led away from the truth. This is not a popular thing to say, but it is the teaching of the text. I have spoken to many godly women who, from experience, have said, “Yes, this is true.”

The second generalization is from 1 Peter 3:7 which says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” Women are physically weaker. Men must take special care in how they speak and use their bodies to regularly communicate safety and honor to the women in their lives, especially in the home. Civility and manners are ways our culture traditionally taught men to do this, but much of that is now lost. 

You could group both of these generalizations together under the heading: women are vulnerable. That is part of how the Bible describes the experience of being a woman in the world—they are susceptible to being taken advantage of, abused, or mistreated. Many women in our community can confirm that this is a reality.

The irony is that, because of the vulnerability of women and children, our culture has tried to “liberate” them from the headship of husbands and fathers. On the surface, that seems understandable. It is absolutely tragic when the head of the household is the abuser rather than the protector. We as a church must confront abuse when it appears and make clear to the men in our community that it will never be tolerated.

However, the answer to this problem cannot be to lessen the responsibility of a husband. This will only make women and children more vulnerable. We need to increase the call on men to be responsible for their families. To quote the Reformation book I mentioned earlier, we must encourage men in the importance of their role in our community:

In the communities of Reformation Europe … it was believed that marriage, family, and society could not long survive if the “fathers of the house” lost their nerve. The consequences of men doubting their abilities and fearing their responsibilities were all too clear in fragile premodern society. In their strength and self-respect lay also the well-being of all around them. For this reason wives were urged to humor and console them in their darkest moods, and children and servants to jump at their sternest commands, while pastors and moralists never let the fathers of the house forget that God watched and weighed their every act. All conspired to tame the “lion”; none, however, dared to go too far in the process, lest his pride be altogether lost. (When Fathers Ruled: Family Life in Reformation Europe, p. 70)

A man being the head of a household means providing a place of safety for the vulnerable under his care.

What happens when a woman feels safe under the care of a loving and faithful man? Her heart trusts him. That is the sign of a healthy marriage. So how does a man show love to someone vulnerable? That is our last observation.

4. Husbands, cherish your wives.

“He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

The women of our congregation should go through life sensing that their husbands cherish them. The word for “cherish” in this passage is only used twice in the New Testament: once for a husband cherishing a wife, and a second time for a mother cherishing her children. In the Old Testament, this word describes a mother bird caring for her eggs. The whole experience is one of gentleness and care and devotion. 

The main thing “cherish” communicates is safety. Men are called to not be harsh with their wives, and cherishing is the opposite of being harsh. It is speaking words of praise and gratitude. It might be helpful to ask your wife, “What makes you feel cherished?” This kind of care does not come naturally to many men—but if there is one skill we are called to cultivate in our whole life, this is it. Especially in a world that is critical of the Bible’s vision of gender differences in a marriage, the loving, protective presence of Christian husbands is an important apologetic to the truth of God’s word.

Let us celebrate as a congregation the beauty of headship. Let us encourage a husband to ensure the wellbeing of his wife and children, even at cost to himself, entering into the mess of family life. May we never see women suffer under the heavy hand of an evil head of household, but may all who visit our community see gifted women flourishing under the loving leadership of Christ-like men.